"Be careful she doesn't get bored with you next It's a long way to * f a l l ." That line popped into my head The other day &* it's been rattling around inside Ever since. It's from one of my favorite books. A book that says many true things. I
Don't know. It just crept inside my thoughts & grabbed on tight. "It's a long way to fall."
Sometimes I wonder if I am a replacement. Maybe it's because You aren't- Most people are, See. Paper dolls Placeholders For the people I can't have close. I've kissed glass lips before Gazed through see-through collarbones & seen only my reflection Distorted in translucent eyes. Sometimes they fall & break In shards on the floor & I see my tears In all the little pieces.
But you Are Flesh. Sometimes I ask myself If I resent it. I don't think I do. (& I resent That.- "IT'S A LONG WAY TO FALL.") Because I wonder, Every so often, If I am a paper doll to your porcelain. If I am a poor [wo]man's lover, Good enough . . . . [For now.] I don't like those thoughts. Maybe they are where jealousy starts, But I feel none. (I am glad of that- It is the ugliest feeling I know of.) But I do wonder, all the same, If I am only the best You can do Just now. I hate wondering that. I hate it because I shouldn't care to wonder, ("it'salongwaytofall!") & I hate it because I should think it's more ridiculous Than I do. I looked by accident In[T]o puppydog eyes the other d[A]y Begging for attention At the dinner table & I heard it li[K]e b[E]lls "[IT]'s a long way to f[ALL]."
& mostly I do dismiss it, The possibility that sometimes seems Very real, That I am a passing fad- "It's a long way to fall." The nagging inkling that ma[Y]be I'm n[O]t special- Just New. & that I will pass Like aut[U]mn, & my leaves fall & the pretty colors gone [W]ill leave me bare & ugly & l[I]feless al[L] over again. The passing thought that perhaps The universe is speaking to me & not you, That maybe the message is "It's a
[L]ong
Way
To
[ F A L L." ]
Quote from A Great And Terrible Beauty by Libba Bray.