I have lost track of the days, the time... All i know is that a week ago today was the worst day of my life so far.
I haven't written since the day he was coming home.
I gave him my journal
It started when we first met
I can't believe this is what it has come to
everyday i wake up
Heart pounding
Mind racing
trying to see where i went wrong
what i could have done to keep him
why he had to leave me
But i know that i did nothing wrong, he is wrong
Today i read all the messages we ever sent since October, when we got back together, and it was the most heart wrenching thing i could bring myself to do.
In every message he expressed his deepest and most adamant love for me. He said nothing could ever bring him to leaving me (lie number one) and that i was all he'll ever need (Lie number two)
"Shannon you must know i meant it when i said it" (is that a lie?)
But things have changed
I am no longer the light in his day, the rock in his ocean, the song he sings.
I am now what once was
I have tried so hard to say "Shannon your going to be okay, your going to wake up one day and all this pain will have gone away"
I want to smile without feeling selfish
Selfish because he is not the reason why i am smiling
I want to laugh without feeling scared
Scared that i will never laugh with him again
I want to kiss without wishing the one i was kissing was him
I want to look in the mirror at that girl looking back at me and not want to **** her. To rip the clothes from her body and the hair from her head.
I no longer dress for him
I dress for me
For a year i built my life around him
I did everything for him
I wanted to keep him safe so he could always be mine
But he is not mine anymore
And that scares me
If i was to see him with another girl
I would die
Everyone says "Shannon give yourself time to grieve" "You have lost a piece of you" "Then let yourself be okay"
Let myself be okay?
I am no longer THE ONE
I am now what once WAS