Trigger Warning**
I often imagine how I would react if it turns out you have died
It would explain why you haven't responded to my text messages
Or why I haven't heard about the purge
purge
purging you do
or the fight
fighting
fighting your parents are a part of
I imagine myself getting a single lined text message from my mother and knowing exactly what it means
Knowing exactly how you went
Seeing your last moments in my mind
"She is gone"
"She's passed on"
"She's not here anymore"
I imagine car crashes and pill bottles and blood in the bath tub
And I know you've seen all this too
I imagine this moment so often that it often blurs with reality for me
Every time I hear an ambulance my heart stops and I think
"This is it. Be prepared."
But a text message is never received
A phone call never comes
And I am left wondering,
Do you hate me? Or are you preparing for your death as much as I am?