The SatNav said, ‘Turn left ahead,
There’s going to be a crash,
A dozen cars are headed in
For one almighty smash!’
I slammed my foot down on the brake
And pulled off to the verge,
As other drivers honked and cursed
And flew past, in a surge.

I think my mouth fell open as
I stared down at the screen,
An LED was pulsing red
Ahead, at Winson Green,
‘Would you repeat the last command,’
I muttered, still in shock,
‘Sit here and wait, avoid your fate,
Five minutes on the clock!’

The papers said the lights had failed
When they came out next day,
A dozen cars had met head on,
Three died in that affray,
I didn’t dare say anything
In case they thought me mad,
An Oracle SatNav indeed,
I shook my head - How sad!

I lay awake in bed at dawn
I hadn’t been to sleep,
The automatic toaster by
The bed began to speak,
‘Get up, get up,’ and popped the toast,
Its usual discourse,
But then, ‘you’d better get downstairs
And check the neighbour’s horse.’

The horse was in the living room
Had come in from outside,
Had gifted us a steaming pile
Right there, on Maggie’s pride.
‘That rug will never be the same,’
I shouted at the horse:
‘I saw the door was open, so
I just came in, of course!’

A talking horse? It couldn’t be,
I went to see the quack,
‘I keep on hearing funny things,’
I said, he turned his back.
‘I think my ears are playing up,’
I motioned with my thumb,
He shook his head, I’d quite forgot
The Doc was deaf and dumb.

My life is quite impossible
I must admit defeat,
As phones and televisions all
Abuse me in the street,
But I never seem to hear the wife
Who tends to scream and shout,
So it seems there’s still an upside
When you’re going mad - No doubt!

David Lewis Paget