I come from a broken family.

My mom and dad met when they were in college and had me. Things didn't really work out between them so they never got married. My dad went off and met a woman he eventually married and my mom reconnected with an ex-boyfriend she had while she was working abroad and got married too.

Now I've got half-siblings, an older sister, a younger brother and a precious little baby girl born when I was 18. See, I never really connected with my older sister, she grew up with her dad and just had short vacations with us. For the longest time, it was just me and my brother against the world but lately, I feel like I don't even know him any longer.

So, yeah. It's just me.

Don't get me wrong, I like being alone. The quiet and the solitude is something I appreciate. But I'd be lying if I said that I don't ever feel lonely. Growing up, I had to mature early because I was technically the oldest and just like any other Asian households, that meant I get to bear responsibilities. Yay! Not.

I never got to experience what it was like to just be a child. It was always, "I'm preparing you for when you get older" or "You need to learn this now so you can survive adulthood". The funny thing was, from that point forward up until today, that's all I've ever done.

Survive.

I feel like I haven't really lived yet.

There are a lot of things in my life that I rushed because I felt mature. I felt like I was ready to take things on but apparently I wasn't.

I regret a lot of things.

Wish I never did this or never said that. Should've done this instead of that and so many other things that no matter how hard I dwell on, I can't really change anymore. So, everything just takes a backseat because heaven forbid I ******* talk about my thoughts and feelings with my family, right?

I don't really trust the adults around me, even when I was a kid. I always thought that they're just waiting for me to **** things up so they can scold me. I mean, I guess I trust them to a certain extent like feeding me and giving me a roof over my head, that type of thing, but never really anything beyond that. I learned never to expect because I just get heartbroken every time.

Imagine a child getting disappointed all the time she hoped someone would care and listen? That does something to you.

I'm aware that there are lots of things wrong about me. Mentally and otherwise. I'm functional, yes, but there's just this weight I can't ever seem to push aside no matter how hard I try not to think about it.

It's there, lingering.

Festering.

Brewing inside me like a storm that's about to bring the house down if I don't do something, anything, to contain it.

I always have to watch myself, hide myself away because I'm scared that once people see how broken I am, they'd feel disgusted just like how I feel disgusted about myself. The shame, it's always there. For what, I don't even know and I don't know if I want to.

Normally, I'd talk to a friend or someone willing to hear me ***** about things that bother me or if I just want to rant and avoid bottling my feelings up, cause history knows that never ends up well. But this? This is a part of me that I keep locked away and I'm not really ready for everything to come out in the open.

So this would have to do for now.

This should have to do for now.