i often think –  
that if i were not as gullible,
                                                   as trusting  
my Father would not hurt me.

it is never as simple as something like that.

my first name – chosen name, preferred name
kept the same initial  
as my dead one –  
                                  so we still had that in common
so He would still love me.

i will never come out to my Father
/
He will never stop hurting me

they mean the same thing, really