Everything feels murky and confusing
for so long the feelings about my jewishness
about my longing for this land
and for jewish traditons
holidays and shabbat
has always been lurking in the back of my soul
reminding me
every week
It hurts me I miss it so much
even though there is lots of trauma  involved
in many ways
these were the things that made my childhood
a little bit better
singing  together
all the jewish melodies
eating yummy food
feeling united
having peace in my soul and my heart
lighting Shabbat candles
it was the highlight of my week
hanging with friends
having real conversations
without being with my phone
without feeling distracted and connected all the time
I met you and you have triggered these deep feelings within me
the reminders
of the things I miss so so deeply
for you are traditional
and believe in love
and wow is that different
than how I was raised
maybe the world
and my self isn't black or white
I am tried of supressing myself
even during my kambo ceremony
this came up
and all I could do was sit there and cry my eyes out
about how much I miss shabbat and my jewishness
I hid it all behind my hate
maybe our hate teaches us
what we truly love
but are afraid to admit
to our deepest selves.