Today and the past 2.5 weeks
all I feel is numb
frozen
chaotic
with moments and days of normalcy
all linked in between
I don't know what happened to her
at that party
that hamas came to
and massacred
I don't know if she is ***** and shot somewhere in some valley
lying there unidentified
I don't know if she is in gaza right now being tortured
and ***** as a *** slave
I don't know
I am so scared to let my mind go to bad places
my mind feels heavy
my heart feels numb
imagining all the children and babies
and the hell they must be living through,
and all of the people
online
justifying terror
I feel sick numb and raw
it hurts to breathe
it hurts to think
it hurts to even move sometimes
everyone around me
tries to smile
but everyone feels terrified
for we all know someone
who is either missing
dead killed or *****
or tortured
or all four of those things
I used to live there
I used to walk those streets
that now have death marked upon them
I used to be in a moshav
that is now marked with terror
I feel so afraid sad calm
and scared
I don't know what to do
I don't know if she is okay
I don't know when I will be okay.