Oct 2023
"what's a poem, after all, if not a safe space for a difficult truth?"
i have a tendency of having my heart broken when the leaves start to change colors.
i drive past your old apartment every time i drive home from school. it was sweet until it was bittersweet but now it's just bitter.
our sweet summer feels like a past life. it seems so long ago,
all the moments that stay but they all eventually turn gray.
gray was color of the sky the day that you said you had to leave
leaves were the blanket that covered the ground the night you last touched my hand.
and i'm so tired of being what i am when every good thing that comes my way turns into something i taint.
you said there was nothing that i could do to ever scare you away, then tell me, why one little thing had you run the other way?...
in my dreams you're stealing glimpses & asking me if i want to start all over again.
in my dreams we made it.
in my dreams you feel the same.
I'M not wHERE i want to be
you look for someone to love you but i've been standing right here all along
i thought i gave you my best, i thought my heart would finally rest...
i told you all of my secrets, my habits & fears... you said you'd never grow bored of knowing me...
the shade always comes at the worst time, we were okay, we were happy, we were doing just fine...
i remember that first glimpse of hope when we both said we'd rather elope, i ran home that day & gushed about you to my dad,
i accepted it now, but it still makes me sad.
i thought we'd have more time
i thought we'd have more time
but we were always meant
to say goodbye, weren't we?...
right from the start we were closer than most, but we never felt the need to boast.
"if i told you about the darkness inside of me would you still look at me like i'm the sun?"
i used to love to go places alone but with you it was always more fun.
but just like sand, the tighter i tried to hold onto you, the quicker
you slipped through my fingers...
you were my greatest teacher & easiest lesson: i cannot make someone love me by loving them harder.
you didn't think you could love me if you couldn't love you
it's valid
it's valid...
"boundaries are the distance at which i can love you & me all at the same time"
if this is what it takes, then darling, i don't mind the cold.
the love inside of me is somehow all yours, & i hate when i feel like this.
i thought you growing tired of me was my biggest fear, but i can feel you forgetting to remember me & i've never felt more afraid...
"i think we want different things" he said, but i couldn't find the words as the tears rolled down my warm cheeks to tell him i disagree...
everything before you feels like a blur, still necessary but not as important as where we had plans on going...
strawberries & sunsets on the beach was our everyday until every last drop of wine was all death & decay...
I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER
YOU THIS WAY
I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER
US THIS WAY...
but it's so hard when you loved me then, then why can't you again?
you say you didn't get there but your actions speak otherwise...
now the taste of apple cider reminds me of you, the days when i kissed you through the leaves & you never wanted me to leave.
our bedroom windows face the sunrise, even on my darkest day
you showed up with sunflowers, you were always the most unexpected surprise.
the road was long but i never minded, as long as you were in the car with me, the path was winded but we knew we couldn't be blinded...
i remember thinking you were mine, but i didn't get enough gas for this detour...
for the first time i can find my way back home, it's been folklore since july & even though the sun is asleep, i know it'll soon feel like spring.
fast forward to the tail end of October.
the leaves are falling like we were in august
as i walk the same trail we did that day.
"that's okay i understand!!!!"
except it made me sick to my stomach.
i walked these autumn town streets holding the hand of your ghost mid-october.
with you, i was a bit more me.
i hear you're still around. but nowhere near me. our one-sided-too-soon love had gone cold while your soul intertwines with someone else's.
i'm jealous of the chair that kisses your back while you sit in it. it's stable & reliable embrace has the grace of holding you more than i ever will.
the candlelight wanted us to be seen by each other. only death by our own hands...only by one of our pair of young lungs would it be extinguished. it wasn't me who blew it out.
i was always told, "one day you'll meet someone & you'l see why it never worked with anyone else." and, "you'll meet someone who will make you feel how it should have felt all along."
that was you, that was you, but now you're gone, now you're gone
"i'm ashamed of what i've done for love, but i do not regret any of it."
"i realize that loving too much can also make you gasp for air, it makes you want to scream in the wee early morning hours, it makes you weep along with raindrops falling soundly on your window. i never thought that loving you too much can also break my heart. and yet, i still do."
i swore to myself that i'm here to be a plot twist, a main character in someone's story, not a non-playable character in a plot that's already been written.
i promised myself that i'm here to live a life of vivacious chaos, not cautious perfection...forgiveness... foriveness.
"if i don't hesitate to be my authentic & absolute goofiest self around you, you're really special to me. if you're the first person i share news or stories with, you're really special to me. if i call you without a reason just to talk to you or hear your voice, if i just pick up the phone, you're really special to me. if i call you by a nickname more than your actual name, you're really special to me. & if i share my most embarrassing moment with you without fear of rejection or judgment...you're really special to me."
you were the one that didn't think i was too much but never wanted me to be less...you saw my scars & never tried to fix them.
just because i am silent, does not mean i don't think about it. just because i stopped speaking about it, does not mean it has stopped haunting me.
& WHAT KIND OF HOPE AM I SUPPOSED TO HAVE? . . .
why do i always have to be the one to clean up what they left behind?
time with you is time well spent. "doing nothing's never nothing when it's something with you."
i wish i could be able to say that i never told you i was falling for you a little bit...but i did because it felt necessary. not because i thought it would make you stay.
it's november now & where are you? the dinner is getting cold like the cement beneath my feet...i cooked your favorite food, but little did i know it would be our last meal. peppers & peach wine
["wHy can't you see me? WhY can't i stop needed you to see me . ."]
& was it always going to come to this? the both of us wanting what the other cannot give?...
i'm not superstitious but i engage in superstitious behaviors. i am no conspiracy theorist but my favorite one is that you regret what you did to my heart.
do you ever think of me when you drive by the cell towers? when i was little i always thought i lived in paris because they looked like the eiffel tower, you thought that was cute.
dreams...if "dreams" is what we could call them...they're more like replayed reality.
i thought we'd have more time. i thought we'd have more time. i thought we'd have more time. i thought we'd have more time. maybe not forever but, i thought we'd have more time.
i have a tendency of having my heart broken when the leaves start to change colors.
i drive past your old apartment every time i drive home from school. it was sweet until it was bittersweet but now it's just bitter.
our sweet summer feels like a past life. it seems so long ago,
all the moments that stay but they all eventually turn gray.
gray was color of the sky the day that you said you had to leave
leaves were the blanket that covered the ground the night you last touched my hand.
and i'm so tired of being what i am when every good thing that comes my way turns into something i taint.
you said there was nothing that i could do to ever scare you away, then tell me, why one little thing had you run the other way?...
in my dreams you're stealing glimpses & asking me if i want to start all over again.
in my dreams we made it.
in my dreams you feel the same.
I'M not wHERE i want to be
you look for someone to love you but i've been standing right here all along
i thought i gave you my best, i thought my heart would finally rest...
i told you all of my secrets, my habits & fears... you said you'd never grow bored of knowing me...
the shade always comes at the worst time, we were okay, we were happy, we were doing just fine...
i remember that first glimpse of hope when we both said we'd rather elope, i ran home that day & gushed about you to my dad,
i accepted it now, but it still makes me sad.
i thought we'd have more time
i thought we'd have more time
but we were always meant
to say goodbye, weren't we?...
right from the start we were closer than most, but we never felt the need to boast.
"if i told you about the darkness inside of me would you still look at me like i'm the sun?"
i used to love to go places alone but with you it was always more fun.
but just like sand, the tighter i tried to hold onto you, the quicker
you slipped through my fingers...
you were my greatest teacher & easiest lesson: i cannot make someone love me by loving them harder.
you didn't think you could love me if you couldn't love you
it's valid
it's valid...
"boundaries are the distance at which i can love you & me all at the same time"
if this is what it takes, then darling, i don't mind the cold.
the love inside of me is somehow all yours, & i hate when i feel like this.
i thought you growing tired of me was my biggest fear, but i can feel you forgetting to remember me & i've never felt more afraid...
"i think we want different things" he said, but i couldn't find the words as the tears rolled down my warm cheeks to tell him i disagree...
everything before you feels like a blur, still necessary but not as important as where we had plans on going...
strawberries & sunsets on the beach was our everyday until every last drop of wine was all death & decay...
I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER
YOU THIS WAY
I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER
US THIS WAY...
but it's so hard when you loved me then, then why can't you again?
you say you didn't get there but your actions speak otherwise...
now the taste of apple cider reminds me of you, the days when i kissed you through the leaves & you never wanted me to leave.
our bedroom windows face the sunrise, even on my darkest day
you showed up with sunflowers, you were always the most unexpected surprise.
the road was long but i never minded, as long as you were in the car with me, the path was winded but we knew we couldn't be blinded...
i remember thinking you were mine, but i didn't get enough gas for this detour...
for the first time i can find my way back home, it's been folklore since july & even though the sun is asleep, i know it'll soon feel like spring.
fast forward to the tail end of October.
the leaves are falling like we were in august
as i walk the same trail we did that day.
"that's okay i understand!!!!"
except it made me sick to my stomach.
i walked these autumn town streets holding the hand of your ghost mid-october.
with you, i was a bit more me.
i hear you're still around. but nowhere near me. our one-sided-too-soon love had gone cold while your soul intertwines with someone else's.
i'm jealous of the chair that kisses your back while you sit in it. it's stable & reliable embrace has the grace of holding you more than i ever will.
the candlelight wanted us to be seen by each other. only death by our own hands...only by one of our pair of young lungs would it be extinguished. it wasn't me who blew it out.
i was always told, "one day you'll meet someone & you'l see why it never worked with anyone else." and, "you'll meet someone who will make you feel how it should have felt all along."
that was you, that was you, but now you're gone, now you're gone
"i'm ashamed of what i've done for love, but i do not regret any of it."
"i realize that loving too much can also make you gasp for air, it makes you want to scream in the wee early morning hours, it makes you weep along with raindrops falling soundly on your window. i never thought that loving you too much can also break my heart. and yet, i still do."
i swore to myself that i'm here to be a plot twist, a main character in someone's story, not a non-playable character in a plot that's already been written.
i promised myself that i'm here to live a life of vivacious chaos, not cautious perfection...forgiveness... foriveness.
"if i don't hesitate to be my authentic & absolute goofiest self around you, you're really special to me. if you're the first person i share news or stories with, you're really special to me. if i call you without a reason just to talk to you or hear your voice, if i just pick up the phone, you're really special to me. if i call you by a nickname more than your actual name, you're really special to me. & if i share my most embarrassing moment with you without fear of rejection or judgment...you're really special to me."
you were the one that didn't think i was too much but never wanted me to be less...you saw my scars & never tried to fix them.
just because i am silent, does not mean i don't think about it. just because i stopped speaking about it, does not mean it has stopped haunting me.
& WHAT KIND OF HOPE AM I SUPPOSED TO HAVE? . . .
why do i always have to be the one to clean up what they left behind?
time with you is time well spent. "doing nothing's never nothing when it's something with you."
i wish i could be able to say that i never told you i was falling for you a little bit...but i did because it felt necessary. not because i thought it would make you stay.
it's november now & where are you? the dinner is getting cold like the cement beneath my feet...i cooked your favorite food, but little did i know it would be our last meal. peppers & peach wine
["wHy can't you see me? WhY can't i stop needed you to see me . ."]
& was it always going to come to this? the both of us wanting what the other cannot give?...
i'm not superstitious but i engage in superstitious behaviors. i am no conspiracy theorist but my favorite one is that you regret what you did to my heart.
do you ever think of me when you drive by the cell towers? when i was little i always thought i lived in paris because they looked like the eiffel tower, you thought that was cute.
dreams...if "dreams" is what we could call them...they're more like replayed reality.
i thought we'd have more time. i thought we'd have more time. i thought we'd have more time. i thought we'd have more time. maybe not forever but, i thought we'd have more time.
