It seems this week all I have done
is cry cry cry
loudly quietly
for hours
on and off
like tears dripping down
off window panes
like rain on cloudy nights
maybe that's why I always felt alone
with my pain,
in the rain .

Its like when the world cries
I feel at home
when there was chaous around me
I felt all right
I am healing
but deep within this
is the pain
that I have never grieved,
and **** is it deep
the pain
of never truly being loved
by my family,
the pain of  the holidays
growing up,
of the constant yelling
and feelings of rejection that I carried
with me,
from my parent's silent and loud pains
from the fact that I can't talk to my family or my old friends anymore
because they weren't ever truly kind for me or too me
and now especially now with this pain
I can't handle them
the pain of craving
people and relationships so deeply
but I just sit there quietly numb
in pain
laughing hiding concealing
making sure not to share too much
because it would show my" darkness"
that gets me swept away in it
to lie and tell others
"yes I have family  to go to for this
Rosh hashana ".
when really
I HAVE NOONE!

To lie about me and who I am
because I fear many don't want to know
and I have learnt to share my real truth,
when I know that I can trust.
It just feels inauthentic to me,
but I need protection.

Truth is
I give off a tough exterior
with my tough eyes
and piercing stares,

But really inside
I am a deeply soft
deeply feeling loving
and kind deeply hurting person
who feels that these things are not really seen
in this world,
at large
and this is why most of the time
I save my tears for private
and while I sometimes dance in public
most of the time
I glare and stare
instead of smile .