I left so many people in my life
so much sadness
it hurts so much
it feels like my addiction
tries to run me so much
it feels like a daily fight
just to keep it inside of me
It became an addiction of chasing my desire
to be loved to be cared for
that it turned into something
that caused so much destruction and violence in my life
I have been almost 9 months sober
a amount that I never thought I could master
but all the while
it feels like each day is so so hard
its like something that I can't avoid
no matter how much I want to
when a child is never given proper love
and they are sexualized from such a young age
tormented with ****** violence
from her own family
she believes that's her way of feeling loved
I am choosing to teach myself
that I am so much more than my body
that I am worth so much more than ***
I am choosing to say no to hookup culture
in a world
that is so bent
on letting themselves be used by others
I am choosing not to
and it is so hard
when I tell others they look at me with two heads
I think if perhaps
my history hasn't taught me
how violent some men can be
than maybe I wouldn't need to protect myself
so much
and perhaps I wouldn't have this addiction
I have never actually put a pen to paper
about this problem of mine
but I am sure that many who have had a past like mine
carry similar problems
There is no need to feel shame
I just wish the world would change
to be a kinder safer place for women
to live in.