i went for a walk barefoot
in the middle of the night.

the first thing i noticed
was the scent of the dap earth beneath my sore feet.

the warm-cold concrete was like an old friend,
constant & comforting.

the wet cold grass
where i stood to take it all in...

i could smell the soft sweet citrus lingering from my conditioner in my hair, wrapping around me as the wind swept it up & away through the midnight breeze...

i stood there facing the street lamp at the corner of my street,
with my hands fallen limp to my sides,
closed my eyes & allowed myself to lose all sense of a tangible existence...

all i could smell enveloping my senses
was fresh-cut grass,
damp brown earth with a hint of sweet dirt & autumn hanging around the corner, coming out at any moment...
long nights & high school football games,
late nights drinking milkshakes & eating cheesy fries until the diner kicked us out...
crisp air filling my lungs as i took a deep breath in with my nostrils flared open to inhale as much of this beautiful, sensational scene...

when i come inside i think of you again.
shadows dance on kitchen walls
& dark vivid memories of you backing away from me with your hands up like i am some sort of officer coming to arrest your every boundary with no intention on returning them...
dark fading echos of your voice screaming...

i forget how to breathe when these memories come flooding in...
i forget how to breathe...

but i don't see it that way anymore...

i see us sitting on that bench with trees surrounding us,
side-by-side & shivering, talking about us & how we're going to make it out of this alive...

i can still see you with your hand placed gently on my knee as we sit at our spot behind the mall, sharing the summer's sweet strawberries from one fork...

i can still see you standing there in front of me in the pouring mother's day rain, in your black hoodie with your hands in your front pocket moments before our souls collide as our lips came together for the first time...

i can see you as you lean against your car with soft clumps of snowflakes falling between & all around us, and that tiny one that landed on your soft brown brow...

i can see us as we fogged up the windows in my car from talking for hours about anything & everything...

i see you with your head tilted back as your eyes close completely when you laughed at the funny noise i shouted in the parking lot just to be goofy...

i look up & i can see stars from up here

i can see you & all that we were

i can see light, the same light i had before you

i can feel everything i thought i lost from up here

i can hear songs from during you & notice that i don't cry anymore

i can taste the sweetness from knowing we don't have to resent each other...hate each other...forget each other...pretend the other doesn't exist.

i can feel the relief settle from our shoulders because the war has come to a truce

i can see the future from here, but this time bright & clear, far & near...

i can feel myself becoming more & more

i can feel the hurt & wounds spinning into healing & scars

from up here i can see myself bounding & bright, vivacious & bold, vibrant & radiant for the first time in a long time, i'm okay...

from up here i can see you...happy & for the first time in a long time, you're okay...

from up here i can see us walking, side-by-side...laughing, talking, nevermore  strangers, & for the first time in a long time, we're okay . . .