last night in my dreams
Last night
I saw you
the memories that I tried to push away
of 2 years  ago
when I was so happy and excited to wear my first ever bikini
for I had spent so much of my life religious
where I thought I had met the cutest israeli guy
who I thought was so handsome and sweet
but how sweet
torture can taste
when we think torture is love
we went to the beach
you watched me and tried to **** me while the beach was filled with people
and I didn't realize it
I guess I didn't realize it
because it had happened so often beforehand
of me being abused by men
that it just doesn't hit you
or hurt you the same anymore
I guess some people can ask
why do you write such dark poetry
because this was my life
its not just poetry
i have lived this life for so so long
and I could never scream
I was always so silent
stuck in a never ending muffled scream
from the time I was a child and my father would hurt me
and my mother would laugh at me
and I learnt that my voice doesn't matter anymore
so why would it matter if i scream
noone would hear me anyways
now I am working on
making myself heard
even if it means being alone
so in the past couple of months
I have stopped dating men
stopped having toxic friends
and cut off everyone in my family
for they all bullied me
I want to give hope to maybe even just one person
that no matter if you come from a family and a life
like mien
where the abuse is so intense
it breaths like cuts that run so deep
like shards through your chest
that you think are life giving
so you run back wanting more
where you think ****** assaults
and **** is love
where you think objectifation
and patriarchy is love
no it is not!

To all the men and women who tortured me
and laughed at my screams
one day you will see me
and I will make my comeback
this is the only thing that keeps me going
most of the time is learning to hear my own cries
its learning to  hug myself alone in my room
because right now no one else will
its writing all the time
for it gives me life
its grieveing
a past so painful
that I just feel like
I can't breathe most of the time
its carrying the deepest and saddest pain inside of me
that I can create so much art from it.
for art is created from pain.