I feel like so passively sucicidal so often
that feeling hard emotions
just makes me wanna feel like
I wanna off myself all the time
its so hard to deal with
because the other side of me
wants to live so beautifully
but feels so paralyzed too
and just so afraid that
the change just won't occur
I just feel so scared and afraid all the time
I don't understand the way the universe works
on one hand
I wanna hold on tight so much
to my life
and on the other hand I hate it so much
I think I hate life so much
because it feels dull
from joy
no friendships
toxic people around me still
no sense of adventure
and nothing fun going on
its like the last time I was happy for a full day
I don't think happened in the longest time
so I don't know what to say
I just wish I didn't feel this way
so often.