my whole life
i was taught
that i must be someone
important impressive
that I must get amazing grades
that i must always look perfect
that I must get married young
and birth many children
to stay silent
while putting up with abuse
to stay silent
while the cult of religion
fed me lies
to not ask questions
to shut up
to not look at pain in the face
and  instead to numb myself
to punish myself
to force myself to be on a crazy healthy diet
to drown myself
to protect myself from my pain
that I can't ever be authentic
because noone wants to hear my voice
that I shouldn't talk because I stutter
that I shouldn't bother asking questions about the meaning of life
because nothing matters anyways
that I should cover my knees my legs my collarbone
my elbows
that a man shouldn't look at me
and sin
and that I am the source of sins.
My whole life I was fed lies about what it meant to be a women
which was mostly opression
I was taught forced opression
so its no wonder I mostly didn't want to be one.
Now I realize as hard as it might be
I don't owe anyone or anything any of this
and I can be a women
without needing to wear makeup shave or be submissive
or I can when I choose to be
I can choose to be my full self
even if others reject me
even if others try to shame me or dim my light
for still my whole life as recent as even last night
women have rejected me
ignored me and shamed me
and men have as well
maybe the lesson  is to love ourselves
so much  so that what they say or think
doesn't have to matter
that knowing ourselves
loving ourselves
and being kind to ourselves
is the greatest gift
we can give ourselves
for we come into this world alone
and we die and will be buried alone
for its okay to be average
in a beautiful way
as long as our life has meaning to us.