I feel it bubbling up again
Like nausea, the feeling right before you vomit
Uncontrollable and unstoppable
And utterly gut wrenching and ugly
A crush---
I can't just crush on you
Without being crushed
The weight of wanting like a boulder on my chest
It hurts, it heaves
It takes over my brain like a parasite
I feel little worms carrying thoughts of you across my synapses
Eventually, my cells will be rewritten with your image
The image that I've created in my head
And the image of me that I imagine you want
I will look in the mirror and I will no longer see my face
I will only see through your eyes, I will see myself as what I need to change to be wanted by you
I can't do this
I'm ripping you off my skin, I'm clawing my way back through the mirror
I am holding my eyes wide open
Reality check---
I can't lose myself in someone else again
I can't break my own heart
I can't crush or be crushed