Take a swim in my stream of consciousness and realize how cold it is, only dead fishes of forgiveness and diamonds nobody could fit into their rings.
You always ask how I am, never what I cry about.
If you’re a man of transparency, take off your clothes and dive into my heart, jump into my heart, leap into my heart.
I come with no strings attached and go the way I came, if you want me to stay then build me a dam and follow me upriver to keep me from the oceans.
Power me with rains, listen to me in the driest times and understand me, level with me, get to know me.
Just don’t ask if I’m fine.
I cry every time I remember that everyone I know will once die, I cry for them when they’re alive.
I lose people and then I lose me, it drives my thoughts to the beach and not because I wanna sun on the sand but go for a real long swim.
I don’t wanna get married out of fear of outliving my husband.
I would die,
if invested in something so immense and convoluted to lose it,
not gonna lie.
Last time I had everything I wanted was in middle school.
Half of my ex classmates are either married or parents.
And I’m over here afraid to get attached.
I watch the mandala spin through a translucent lens, I bought a puppy just a week after I lost my dog of 11 years.
Last time I saw him he was by the metal gate up front, half alive, I tried to try to alleviate his pain, and then he was gone.
I only cried when I was alone, because I had to be strong, I tried to alleviate my pain by drowning it out in a hot bathtub, but time mended me, it has all along.
I remember my great grandmother, I used to come over every day after preschool for a cookie and then I took my final bite.
I don’t know how I felt, but it was the real life baptism I feel I never had until March.
And what can I do other than watch the mandala spin?
I look out the public transport window and watch the fronts of houses pass in front of me in blur and it’s making me dizzy.
And then I remember my new year’s resolution and it terrifies me that it’s May already.
Last time I saw my friend she wasn’t even pregnant and now she’s a mother and the other I watched get erased from my routine like gusts of autumnal wind blowing at a pile of dead and fallen leaves.
Why do I feel accomplished that she broke up with her boyfriend, I used to care but now I’m a stranger.
I miss all of them, the dead, the alive, in fact I am not the same person as in middle school, not him from the San Gabe Motel 6 poolside and now I’m giving love a go, wasn’t that long ago, I’m so much different now.
At this rate I’ll be dead before I know it, but I’m only 20 and I can still make something out of what I have left.
I don’t know how to stop running, but I must’ve been enchanted or cursed to run and run and run until I’m done.
Peggy was 24 when she climbed up the Hollywood Sign and jumped.
That’s a way to go, I thought in my darkest times.
I come with no strings attached and go the way I came.
I love myself but not like I loved the people I ran away from.
I’ll open up my heart for you, make it livable, beautiful, capable.
Swim naked in my consciousness, surface of an arid planet and watch life bloom out of me.
I’m so ******* happy some days, but sometimes I catch myself thinking of beach days during stormy weather.
I can cherish who I love, no one’s gone forever.
I’m not gone forever.
Don’t ask if I’m happy, but act as if I’m not.
Hold me close enough so that I can’t run.
Make me feel irreplaceable for the first time ever.
Dive into my heart with no clothes whatsoever.
I pray to God to wrap a divine blanket over my people, I love them wholeheartedly, cause I can’t love another way.
If there’s a link between us, a string I can’t see or I’m unaware of, preserve it.
I say I go in and out of people’s lives unattached, I hope I’m dead wrong.
I may seem like I don’t but I care.
Angel, Felix, Leah - keep your eyes up.
Val, Rosemead, Petra - I wish you the best.
Gabe, Aaron, Charlie - may you live happily.
Ajay, Eric, Max - thank you for those years.
Jay, Lizzy, Steph - I’m forever grateful.
Barb, Annie, Hannah - know I’m doing great.
Tom, Dylan, Mexico - I remember you too.
Colleen, the guys, Caroline - I still love you.
Nina, Maggie, Martin - hope you’re smiling now.
Modern god, Zack, Alex - best of things in life.
Margaret, Vic, Sher - be happy forever.
Glo, Coyote, Court - move toward the better.
Ash, Alex, Jack - all the sweetest things.
Ellen, Alice, the fires - don’t go anywhere.
My family, my friends, my lovers.
I have you in my corner.