I can remember seeing your face
that very first day
as my heart began to race
the red showed on my face
I suddenly felt so out of place
No, out of space
gone
I saw you and nothing existed
the world around me faded
and left me feeling
jaded
tainted
vulnerable
You took my words away
as you came up to say
"Hello"
I wanted to tell you
how you made me feel
like nothing was real
I wanted you to unravel
the map that is my heart
so I could pinpoint the place
you had already taken
I wanted to tell you how you made me feel
so alone
so shaken
How you took my world
and crumpled it in your hands
as if I had no plans
and I hate you
I hate how you made me feel so small
so powerless
faceless at the mercy of your wish
How you made me feel like nothing
but someone on the perpetual waiting list for
love
and I hate how you took my everything away
and replaced it with
your laugh
your chin
the back of your neck
the curl in your hair
the face you make engulfed in a new book
and the curl you get in your lip when you eat something horrible
and that thing you do when something makes you uncomfortable
and the way you can make a cloudy day seem like it was made
for people like me
and people like you
you filled me with
your thoughts
your smells
your life
the intoxicating light of your soul
and I hate you
I hate your smile
your laugh
the twitch in your lip
and the curl in your hair
because you took my everything away
and replaced it with something better
as if my everything wasn’t good enough already
You made me hate myself
because myself wasn’t with you
You took my words away
and I hate that I love you
I hate that I love
your laugh
your smile
the curl in your hair
and the dimple on your cheek
I hate how I love
your voice
your mind
and the body it’s contained in
how I love your confined sense of inflated eloquence
when you talk about something you hate
and your clamorous sense of bumbling un-eloquence
when you talk about something you love
even more
I love how you make feel
weak in the knees
with every breeze
that brings you closer to me with ease
As if you were a disease I couldn’t get rid of
And didn’t want to get rid of
because I love you
and I hate you because as long as I can remember
that very first day
you will always have my words
you will never know how you make me feel so alone
and so alive
you will never how you make me feel
so vulnerable
as I heard the beat of my breath
as if it were a poem kept in perfect time
you will never know how much I crave
to love you
to be your friend
because that was the end
that first day I saw you
you took my words away
and there they will stay
until I can forget the way
you made me feel
that very
first
day