your scars are hollowed out parts from loss and grief
he fills that lonely silence with rage, anger, questions
things you don't let yourself feel

but it's okay. you don't have to when he does that for you.

and when you learned to be angry, kicked aside and unmoored
he told you that can feel good
for a while.
but when it's right to leave the anger in the past,
to see it for the vehicle it is (but never truly lose the fire)
there's peace. a still, righteous kind

for so long you didn't get it because the surface is still
it took a long time to venture into the water
but now it's an ocean you call home

sometimes you don't really remember what it was like before you could swim

when it's dark, the ocean holds you
holds you up and lets you see the moon and the stars
he looks up too

there must be loss in nearly losing someone to illness, too
it must be what he's felt and carried
you don't feel bitterness about that now
you know what it means to love fiercely
distance, geography, geology and even planes be ******

you know what it feels like to lay it out there
how important it is to have just one or two humans accept it
even just one who really understands

you can barely imagine it, but it makes sense that he's this amazing
when so many people accept what he's been through
understand it
have made it to today because he chose to do so

after so long, what feels like being poisoned
you throw up
wash off
stand up
and start dancing again

that's liberation

the past isn't shackles, it's a reminder
the past is memory
the brain always relives, never just remembers

remembering is what language is
putting past pain on a page, even in pixels
is a way of knowing that it's over
that we can only say this because we're in the present

art and surviving are one and the same
this is your one conviction
for you, it's blood deep
but it doesn't need to be
just landing on the surface, it's felt

screams, growls, voice cracks
the smell of burning
the grind of a guitar
with your skin, your ears, eyes and nose
you took it in

you know it changed you yet again
you're softer
opened up like a lotus

and hungry

what's even more beautiful
than coming to now
is heading to tomorrow
running, skipping, flying
even if sometimes you're crawling

it's never too late
you find it when you need it most

starting over and over

there isn't such a thing as goodbye