like when I had my first
****** at age seven

sister in the bed next to me
the first time, wholly.

the boys would cauterize everything.
their hands lacking the softness
of innocence
of love.

the first was a cousin
egged on by his father

I was under a blanket.

later, a boyfriend
he played football.
his persistence would last hours
the movie theater, the car
pressing on me, over my jeans.

souring the human need
the trust that I'll survive.

none of it violent
but it made me violent.