I feel like I've died a million times
but dying alive
hurts the most
when you've always just wanted
life to end .
It still feels like that  way alot,
when you've realized everyone
you thought
cared about you
was your friend
was really your enemy
hurt you
gaslight you
bullied you
used your kindness
against you.

All I wanna do is cry about it and rage on forever and ever
the pain inside
feels so hard,

so when people say cut all the toxic people out
well I have and now I have no one
absolutley noone

and when I go out in public
all I feel is paralyzed by grief
and so so  much pain
I've been hurt so much
that I don't recognize my face in the mirror
and pimples have formed in the place
of my once clear skin
its like reminding me
the pain inside
has come to greet me on the outside.

I so wish with all my heart
that I had family and friends in my life
its like being an orphan
but everyone is alive  all around you
besides you
this is how I feel most days lately
while I do feel happier I also feel
the deepest pain
ever,
it feels like its killing me alive.

in fact I have felt this way always
but never cried about it or written about it before.
I have felt rejected since birth
by my own mother .

sometimes I just ask myself
why was I born ?!!

I know I have a purpose
but many times it just  feels like too too  much .