Today while High
I cried,
like I never have before,
or like I have
but not in a long  long time
while being truly alone .
The people on the street
Askin' me
Are you okay?
I say yea
And Walk Away.
But really
I wanna scream & shout & yell so very loud
To Say,  
guess what
I am not okay !
I never was !
And I am Workin'
on the Will Be okay part ...
To walk the neighborhood
with the  shattered memories
of  pain
sprinkled everywhere
trinkled along the blocks
not knowing if I will see
one of the abusers
when I walk down the
Fckin' street
to eat a **** sandwhich !

See most of the time
I am still so numb
Shake my hands from anxiety
Blind out the daily pain
with loud blaring music
and try to wash the pain away.

I don't get it
I invited you to my birthday party
a month and a half ago ,
and you took the way
with your needless jealous eyes and hatred.

Or the man who hurt me
After I told him NO!
And repeatedly follows me
with his eyes.

I wish people could just,
grow up do the right thing
and stop hurting others
specifically me !

Realized my whole life,
all I was given,
was intense injection shots
of real life pain, abuse ,
and rejection again again again again!

So when others ask me
"well it seems that you don't have much experience
with joy,
You are right as of now I don't,
but I am really conciously ,copiously
working through my blinding edging pain
to get to the light
to get to experience true love and true joy,
to get to share that with others, truly
with boundaries and without getting taken
advantage of anymore!"

They call us women btches
when we stand up for ourselves
or maybe you are too sad scared and afraid
to stand up for yourself
and to start doing what's right
and to start owning your own
f*cking ******* !

My whole life
I hid myself
hid who I truly was ,
because everyone around me
taught me to hate who I was
how I looked
and how wild I was!

But now after cutting them off
I have decided and realized
That who I am I Ain't just love and light.
Its pain, deep rebellion ,real power
and a real longing to forge my own path ,
a society's rebel in a sense,
As well as having a very kind loving and open heart .
Don't let others distract you from you,
it is worth it to finally be you !