concerned confusion moves like a lizard up a wall
scuttling in and out of my conscious thoughts,
like a heart murmur before the attack.
to my dismay, the condition is caused by this
new way of living-
having a routine,
steady pay,
safe environment,
and consistent community-
i have never been so weary of a foundation so sturdy
that it could replace the earth's crust
and prevent all tectonic movement.
yet
i am so afraid-
i am so afraid that this peace
is just the ashy smoke of my fire finally dying-
the eye spots left over once the sun is put away
and i can no longer stare at it's glory.
i am afraid that this is the cost of my comfort
and that i am no longer upset because i have learned
to accept it.

at times it feels like there is this monolith in front of me
blocking my path to the valleys flowing with milk and honey.
rain
can you wash this mountain away?
let it be made out of sand and sink slowly into the ground.
rain
can you remind me of the secret of contentment?
that there is some secret valley to be found in each moment?
sun
dry up what i have set into ruin.
let nature persevere (as it always does),
growing deep out of damp crevices,
bursting through foundations
laid harder than these new livings-
laid harder than anything old
that i felt i could not
break.