Grew up most of my life so dissacioated
as If I was almost  already dead in real life.

I just blocked out  my heart
my mind out of everything,
because the pain of all that was done to me
was  so harsh the body and mind just couldn't  process it:

Now for 3 years all I can do is remember,
and what can I say,
I see why I hid it from myself
for 23 years.

Hell on earth
to be tortured by humans so much
Its like I wonder
DO GOOD KIND HUMANS
exist ?!

Who will treat me with kindness
who won't judge me
or try to use me for their own selfish gains?

So far I have only met very few people like this
and I  just really try to be this way too.
I just don't understand how the pain
hurts so much
its like the more healing I do
the more I see.

The way things truly are,
not how I want them to be
and how ****** cruel
life has been to me.

Yet I know I am here for a greater purpose
and that is why I am still alive,
after wanting to die for such a long time,
I feel that I understand heaven and angels more than
I understand the cruelty and pain of humans
and this 3d reality.

That's why I sit with art and nature
and cats and animals
it feels like they don't judge me
or laugh at me
or expect me to look a certein way
or sound a certin way
or the way my voice quivers when I am feeling anxious
trying to speak hebrew
but feeling so ashamed inside
I just feel like a stranger
everywhere.
I just feel so done inside
for so long
I have tried so hard
if I looked a certein way
had certein  intrests
than I would make friends
but I didn't
they never cared.

So now I am really trying to just be me
fully love myself,
and trust that the right people
will come when they are meant to.