i wish you could've seen me today.
i sat out in front of the library thumbing through old issues of food and wine
played miles hodges and zora howard in my ear
picked at leaves
and let the sprinkle of rain and tugging wind caress me
i stupidly imagined it was you gently patting my head instead.
my knees would attempt to give out in my walk around campus whenever your smile appeared in my thoughts
a grin widening from cheek to cheek
it creases your eyes and makes you look wise
older, i think.
also,
yesterday i said i wouldn't write any more love poems
and by God, i meant to have meant it
but what's a girl to do when you have a smile like that!
for now i read bits of my aldanov, cram accounting, shuffle from bed to the library, tutor, pray, and fast like a good girl.
no music, no friends, no sugar, no oversharing, and damn sure no boys.
i've been trying so long now to only care about the deen.
cocoon in the Qur'an, never miss or delay a prayer, never miss an opportunity to fast or do remembrance. and most of all don't desire!! especially something as silly as a boy from a different world, completely unmoved or disturbed at best by crazy ole ugly little me. i seriously want to just disintegrate into nothing. be nothing. do nothing but pray and read.
but every browning page reminds me of your skin. and the rain, your smile. i'm sorry. sorry that i'm here where you are. sorry that i'm so, so obviously enamored with you. sorry, that i can't hide it. sorry that i can't stop it. sorry that i can't do better. i'm sorry.