there are figures that follow me
and humans that haunt me
and sometimes i am 6 years old again,
hiding under the staircase
as my mother gets home from the bar.
sometimes i am hiding under the sheets
hoping he cannot hear me, and will
leave my room, and shut the door.
i found out at this age, that i am
not one that will be loved fiercely
and i am not one that will be fought for.
i am one who is silenced, scared, and
longing to please anyone in my life.
my fear of abandonment is so big,
it’s already swallowed me whole.
i’ve learned to live in it, to love in it,
to build a home in it.
i will let you beat me before i watch you leave,
i will let you take every part of me,
i will watch you dig my grave,
but i promise.
one day when abandonment spits me out,
i will burn this whole town, with everyone in it
and i will watch you suffer as you have watched me.
i will light this world ablaze,
but only when i am spit out whole.