I have subconsciously taught my hands to shake
When I hear certain noises
I have memorized the sinking heart feeling
And dropping to a million pieces
In a split second
Rush of adrenaline; Straight to my brain.
Thoughts squeezing themselves up
Thoughts that make my head spin

I have tortured myself with "What if's"
Too many times at 3 in the morning
At the drop of a pin, the only thing to settle it
Is the sound of your soft snoring.
Peaceful like I know your head isn't.
Dreaming like I know you try and refrain from doing

And I will blame the world for ruining you
Because I'm desperately searching for an excuse
I will hate although it's unfamiliar to me
I will cry because I've been taught this feeling
You don't deserve these feelings
You don't deserve to know I've gotten used to
My hands shaking at night
How I've memorized the sound of your silent room
So I know when something is out of place

I told myself to toughen up
I have to toughen up
I have to learn to fight
Because you need me to
I have to learn that this won't just go away
My hands ill still shake through tonight
My heart will still drop when I don't hear you breathing
And those torturous "What if's" will keep me up again tonight.