Feb 2023
I’m grieving for who I used to be, the person I thought I’d become, the person I am, and the person who I will be all at once. Past, present, future.
I remember riding in the backseat, looking up at the sky and imagining the white picket fence that would be my life one day. The husband or wife, the children, the job, I’d have everything I’d ever want and I’d be happy. It was destined for me. Just like I always saw on the tv.
The teenage years passed by like a blurry photograph. Laughter, adrenaline, excitement, experimentation, freedom, newness, heartache, secrets, lies, rebellion, abandon, isolation, loneliness, depression, guilt, anger, hopelessness. I tried to end my life before I even became an adult and I do sometimes think a part of me died in that bed while the other part managed to cry for help.
I believed for a long time I couldn’t commit to anything and I was determined to prove myself wrong and I did. I have been committed to my beautiful son for going on 6 years now, I completed my nursing degree, and have now established a career but somehow right now in this moment I am the saddest I’ve ever been. Not because I haven’t gone through harder things but because I have so many beautiful things to be happy about and I still feel the overwhelming waves of sadness wash over me most days. I don’t want to die anymore but sometimes I wish I didn’t exist. Or that I could just go to sleep and wake up when I finally have that white picket fence. But I’m learning to accept that those things may never come. I may never be the person i thought I would be, and I won’t ever be who I used to be again. But somehow, I am all of them, all of the time, all at once. Past, present, and future.
Sometimes I sit with her. And I watch her. The little girl that looked out the window, the teenager who spent days alone in her room thinking about how dying was the only way, the girl that spends most of her days in tears and overwhelm, the girl who’s doing her best to heal and be the best mom and the best friend and the best me. The woman who I will become, the wise woman, the compassionate woman, my guide, my comfort, my rock. I sit with her and I hold her and she holds me and we cry and we sit in silence and we talk about the past, the present, the future. And somehow, in doing this, eventually, the grieving creates understanding, compassion, acceptance, and forgiveness. Reminding ourselves that no matter which direction we move, we are carrying each other’s experience, love, support, and we will always be together. No matter what. We will always be all of us, all of the time, all at once. Past, present, future.
I remember riding in the backseat, looking up at the sky and imagining the white picket fence that would be my life one day. The husband or wife, the children, the job, I’d have everything I’d ever want and I’d be happy. It was destined for me. Just like I always saw on the tv.
The teenage years passed by like a blurry photograph. Laughter, adrenaline, excitement, experimentation, freedom, newness, heartache, secrets, lies, rebellion, abandon, isolation, loneliness, depression, guilt, anger, hopelessness. I tried to end my life before I even became an adult and I do sometimes think a part of me died in that bed while the other part managed to cry for help.
I believed for a long time I couldn’t commit to anything and I was determined to prove myself wrong and I did. I have been committed to my beautiful son for going on 6 years now, I completed my nursing degree, and have now established a career but somehow right now in this moment I am the saddest I’ve ever been. Not because I haven’t gone through harder things but because I have so many beautiful things to be happy about and I still feel the overwhelming waves of sadness wash over me most days. I don’t want to die anymore but sometimes I wish I didn’t exist. Or that I could just go to sleep and wake up when I finally have that white picket fence. But I’m learning to accept that those things may never come. I may never be the person i thought I would be, and I won’t ever be who I used to be again. But somehow, I am all of them, all of the time, all at once. Past, present, and future.
Sometimes I sit with her. And I watch her. The little girl that looked out the window, the teenager who spent days alone in her room thinking about how dying was the only way, the girl that spends most of her days in tears and overwhelm, the girl who’s doing her best to heal and be the best mom and the best friend and the best me. The woman who I will become, the wise woman, the compassionate woman, my guide, my comfort, my rock. I sit with her and I hold her and she holds me and we cry and we sit in silence and we talk about the past, the present, the future. And somehow, in doing this, eventually, the grieving creates understanding, compassion, acceptance, and forgiveness. Reminding ourselves that no matter which direction we move, we are carrying each other’s experience, love, support, and we will always be together. No matter what. We will always be all of us, all of the time, all at once. Past, present, future.
