I want to take the mask off
But I'm scared of how people would react

I'm scared
But not only of how they would react
But of the real me
Scared of letting go
Scared of hurting others by letting go

I think about the letters I want to write to people when I say goodbye to the word

I think about leaving every day
The only time I wanted to keep on living was when I was with you
I thank you for that but I also hate it!
It's like it only got worse since then

I forgot how to fight that feeling
Forgot how I kept going

I used to think it would get better when I have my degree and then my dream job. But now I don't know what to look forward to. I don't know what to dream for. I lost hope of things getting better. So I only dream of saying goodbye. I dream of different ways to say goodbye.

I think of all the letters I want to write and some time I even start writing them.

So why I'm a still alive?

For the people how know me and would read this?

How do you even start to explain??
How do you explain that you wished you were dead from the age of 11

Of do you explain that a smiley girl was secretly dying inside.