for as long as I can remember
I have wanted my life to be like a movie
even in pre-school I remember dancing alone
in my ballerina outfit
hoping my crush would show up and be blown away
and fall in love with me

so I waited impatiently to be a teenager
when life is like all the movies i'd seen
and it was-
trashing rich kid's houses
falling in love on the beach
being high at the football games
falling in love with a fifteen year old alleged coke dealer
all the tropes

the thing is
I never grew out of that desire
I still want it to be just like a movie
perfect and tied neatly and never boring
but it's not that way

why do I feel like real life is not good enough?
too much meds exposure?
an inkling for escapism, rooted in my parents' divorce
the privilege of a growing up with few enough financial struggles that they were able to be concealed from you
the escapism from the years you blacked out

it wasn't alcoholism that tore my parents apart-
they both overcame a huge struggle
and, as highly developed beings,
still couldn't experience love forever
did they just choose someone with values that's alignment altered?

anyway I love _ and I love and I love
all in a day's work
and I appreciate _ for his contributions