albany ny 8/30/22

mvp arena s pearl st albany, ny 8/30/22 *(to summarize how we got to this point i was in the darkest year of my life and in my pragmatism self-inconsideration i gave myself an out the only way i could survive was to tell myself it was going to be over soon)* i’m screaming the words into currents of noise i should be happy still hearing the ringing in my ears and seeing flashing lights in my eyes *(9/25/16 was the day it was going to end for me concurrently i discovered a genre designed for kids like me spent hours in full blown panic not at the disco but twitching on the floor trying to drown it out with fall out boy nights that didn’t end until dawn picking apart twenty one pilots theories in razor free showers and then my chemical romance was back from the dead 10th anniversary album with new tracks coming 9/23/16)* things have changed i’ve changed and yet still traumatically dramatically the same ”what’s the worst that i could say? things are better if i stay? so long and good night so long and good night” *(and i realized there was something out there to look forward to maybe just maybe i make it through just for now)* ”we’ll carry on we’ll carry on” i did and i made it all the way to here found a way to scrape myself through every lonely night but in that moment the crushing weight of my own insignificance caught up to me i should have been happy to have made it to here but the only thought in my mind was that if i hadn't made it to here this moment in this sea of misfits and margins in this sweaty stadium four hours from home **if i hadn't carried on nobody would have noticed my absence** i'm reduced to a face in the crowd twenty dollar bills in a merch line a scream in a stranger's snapchat story **and the world doesn't need me one more person to add to the chaos** i should have cried happy tears but instead i began to regret what makes me strong what got me to this point would it be better if i had ended it? would it be easier? does it even matter either way? because i'm beginning to think it really doesn't and i know i made it this far i have his hand around my back and don't cry alone at night anymore but in the cosmic scheme of significance (which i want there to be and i want to be in) i just don't think i don't know if it matters enough what's the worst that i could say? are things better if i stay? "so shut your eyes kiss me goodbye and sleep just sleep the hardest part is letting go of your dreams"

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be-mccomb

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