People don't talk enough about the aftermath of abuse
Reflecting on the last 6 years has taught me a lot about trauma
How it can follow you for years
How it can still show up in your dreams every now and then
How it can change you into someone you don't even recognize

Even after therapy
even after processing and healing
and even after time
it is so hard to have a healthy relationship with someone new

The triggers follow you
even when you're convinced they don't exist anymore

For example,
I remember throwing myself out of a moving vehicle 4 years after because my boyfriend and I were arguing after a night out drinking
In that moment I was back with abusive ex
the memory of him forcing me in his car drunk and not letting me leave even after hitting a parked car was so present in my brain
it was like it was happening again
except it wasn't
not even close

Fast forward and 6 years later I am still learning how to effectively communicate with my current boyfriend

There's not a day that goes by where I am not utterly shocked at how an argument can just stay exactly that...an argument
It doesn't have to grow into something bigger
something that causes people to say or do hurtful things
something that takes days or even weeks to get over
something that ends in heart break

I find myself bracing for impact with every disagreement
something as simple as "I shouldn't have done/said that, I'm sorry" causes me to spiral
something simple still causes me to experience a wave of anxiety
anxiety I can't ignore or wish away
but instead have to work through
over and over again

To this day I am learning how to love again
I experienced abuse at the age of 19
It's like my brain was hardwired wrong
and now I need to spend years fixing it

To this day I am learning how to not crave toxicity
my brain has confused love with abuse and comfort with boredom
I find myself craving constant reassurance
I find myself panicking when I should feel comfort
I find myself mad at how I still feel these things

But the truth is
I am too ******* myself
What I experienced
and what many other men and women experience
IS HARD
It's not something you can forget
or pretend never happened
I tried that and it just prolonged the inevitable

The truth is
I have come such a long way
I was changed in so many ways
but I have also grown in just the same

I will continue to grow and heal
I will continue to learn how to love again

I know I am on the right track
I feel myself getting so close

I want a healthy relationship so badly
One I can be proud of and seek comfort in
One I can spend the rest of my life enjoying