Aug 2022
I'm alot of things, we all know this..
My emotions seem as unpredictable as the great Alaskan weather at times especially when it comes to you..
Imagine, hurt, frustration, insecurities, hatred, romance, love, and a painful understanding of not only your past but my very own..
Understanding. I'll say it again. Flaws revealed, and still holding on to love someone so imperfectly perferct in the darkest of your very days (at the time it sure was.. 17 wasn't nice to me..)
To be able to love you was meaning loving the parts of me I hated, that mainly being my upbringing.
To love you was letting go of all reasons, all logic in life, and shifting focus on vibe and emotion (**** was that dangerous...)
To love you, it killed the light in my eyes and the touch of my poetry sacred soul....
It hurt so bad and it's a hurt 5hat doesn't stop hurting.
I didn't deserve you.
I didnt..didn't...
And you didn't deserve me...
No.
But I tried to work with what my hands were delt, I thought I could love the hate out of your soul, and leave a print on your heartt that you'll never forget. I wanted to love you so long and so hard that you'd change the hate within you and consider loving me and yourself. You always tried destroying yourself, you just never cared. I tried to give you a reason to care.
But in all that healing I so very tried within my heart and soul to give you, I lost myself.
And I'll never ever ever forgive myself for that. 17 year old me didn't deserve that . But I have only the way I was brought into the dark side of the tracks growing up to blame.
I was so dependent on you it was sad. I was truly crazy over you. And I always will be. I love you very much and I'm afraid I always will.
You see, you tell me you care about me and I wish that was true.
Because me and you, we could of bee beautiful. I mean really beautiful, like the secret garden and like the northern lights dancing free among the darkest of places in the woods, shining ever bright, and twinkling away all the pain within. We could of over turned this cursed life we were given, together and be something.
But than I think on it, and the interaction that of which we had the blessing of attending together and suddenly realize that whatever I envisioned, whatever I thought of us as... it wasn't real for you..
It was real for me though.
I love you still. I care about you.
Me...
My emotions seem as unpredictable as the great Alaskan weather at times especially when it comes to you..
Imagine, hurt, frustration, insecurities, hatred, romance, love, and a painful understanding of not only your past but my very own..
Understanding. I'll say it again. Flaws revealed, and still holding on to love someone so imperfectly perferct in the darkest of your very days (at the time it sure was.. 17 wasn't nice to me..)
To be able to love you was meaning loving the parts of me I hated, that mainly being my upbringing.
To love you was letting go of all reasons, all logic in life, and shifting focus on vibe and emotion (**** was that dangerous...)
To love you, it killed the light in my eyes and the touch of my poetry sacred soul....
It hurt so bad and it's a hurt 5hat doesn't stop hurting.
I didn't deserve you.
I didnt..didn't...
And you didn't deserve me...
No.
But I tried to work with what my hands were delt, I thought I could love the hate out of your soul, and leave a print on your heartt that you'll never forget. I wanted to love you so long and so hard that you'd change the hate within you and consider loving me and yourself. You always tried destroying yourself, you just never cared. I tried to give you a reason to care.
But in all that healing I so very tried within my heart and soul to give you, I lost myself.
And I'll never ever ever forgive myself for that. 17 year old me didn't deserve that . But I have only the way I was brought into the dark side of the tracks growing up to blame.
I was so dependent on you it was sad. I was truly crazy over you. And I always will be. I love you very much and I'm afraid I always will.
You see, you tell me you care about me and I wish that was true.
Because me and you, we could of bee beautiful. I mean really beautiful, like the secret garden and like the northern lights dancing free among the darkest of places in the woods, shining ever bright, and twinkling away all the pain within. We could of over turned this cursed life we were given, together and be something.
But than I think on it, and the interaction that of which we had the blessing of attending together and suddenly realize that whatever I envisioned, whatever I thought of us as... it wasn't real for you..
It was real for me though.
I love you still. I care about you.
Me...
