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Driver Seat

No tomb like the present A suffocating fact I shan't see the crescent A summer with no tact There is a distinct, quiet suffering That plagues the air every which summer Though out there, the world is rapidly expanding The smell of rot is the one that catches my nostril As for what rots, I am not sure Perhaps the trouble lies within myself But in these days, I am slower, less responsive And my conversations get more unhinged With the entities in my living space As for whether they are hallucinated Or it's me yelling at bugs that have entered I honestly would not be able to say The air is thick, thicker than milky fog And this thickness hurts the purity Pure, white snow falls from my eyes And cold, piercing winds from my throat Icicles grow upon my fingertips And my hair is made of frozen grass I am the late autumn and early winter, I am My stark and hailing demeanor freezes the weak I am the very definition of an ice queen Or at the very least I definitely pretend to be Even though it's a charade everyone ignores Have you ever sat in the back seat, while a parent drove? You might even feel a bit of affection from them So it is not so bad, not quite as impersonable Not as horrifying as the passenger's seat You are at risk but you are not the operative word I am currently in the passenger's seat of my life Have you ever felt similarly? Like you lost control? My interactions are pure instincts and pheromones My preferences are base level urges in all cases Even the music I so enjoy, I entrust not to myself But to the almighty, for their hand is far more sturdy I shake, like an autumn leaf in a hurricane Barely holding on the driver, which is always them I will never learn how to drive a car I often get called an adept storyteller Some people call me vivid or imaginative, even So I suppose I might as well ask the people in my head To help me conjure up some short tales for you; This one is of a young girl, dreaming In some dreams she finds herself in a rancid, green room There with her is another girl, a cynical kind The two of them may have loved each other once, but That time has long since passed Acts of carnal urges and violence come to pass Mold grows on the walls and ceilings The camera slowly pans away from them, fucking To show the director and the audience In some dreams, she finds herself in a small Japanese home Discussing the fate of that infamous 100 ryo "You'll never get it back" says the cynical girl She vows to get it back and leaves the room Most of the scene is silent, save for cicadas In the night she returns, scars all over her face She brutally dismembers the cynical girl She simply was not meant to be a ronin In some dreams she finds herself in a police station The cynical woman is on the other ends of the desk "We've got you by the balls, scum" she says The girl answers only with a scoff and a crooked smile "If you had me by the balls, this would be more enjoyable" The cynical girl seems embarrassed, upset The director shouts "More emotion, you dimwits, more!" The camera zooms in, with shaking motion, towards the girl In some dreams she finds herself alone, it's snowing inside The cynical girl left. Surely something far more important. She begins to draw a mural, in the style of Basquiat A funky little guy, baby blue, bright orange, neon pink lines Once done, she hears a voice: "It's been a while, babes" Finally, he was back! It was the mural, speaking Or in some sense, the very walls of the room spoke to her "What's groovy, baby?" he asks, with his usual cheer There's many more dreams to share, like the one where they reminisce Or the one where they're janissaries, stationed in Serbia Or the one where they're communists, in a bar during the Great War Or the one where space has been conquered and they stayed back at home Or the one where the mural learns to play drums, and the shadowy figure joins I didn't even talk about the shadowy figure, even though he's a major character! I mean hell, even I joined them occasionally, once they asked They figured out I didn't know everything, and talked to me, what a lovely bunch But obviously at one point, spunky little girls have to wake up In this dream, she finds herself alone again, in a regular room The heat of the scorching sun has been illuminating her abode all day She remembers that in this reality, she plays improvised music And yet, in such horrid weather, it'd be suicide to go play right now She is sluggish, unconcerned, seemingly in another world already No tomb like the present, she thinks and repeats, like a mantric chant "No time! You keep saying the phrase all wrong!" a voice reprimands her She knows and she deems it an unfit day to have yet more drama "I know... I just thought the pun was amusing..." She says in retort to herself, in order to pass the time.
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Written by
oculiquetzal
24 / F
Published
Jul 21, 2022
Lines·Words
110·908
Tags
#schizophrenia#identity#dreams#surrealism#postmodernism
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