you know the five stages of grief right?
i think that i went through them when i was questioning my identity 

denial. 
i couldn’t possibly be anything but a girl
right?
wrong. 
gender is a spectrum
gender can be fluid
gender can be whatever you want it to be
and that is because non-binary people do not owe you androgyny 
but that couldn’t possibly be me
how could i not be a girl?
i wear dresses. i like makeup. i can’t be anything else

anger.
how could god make me this way???
why am i questioning this vital part of myself?
this can’t be true. 
this isn’t who i am supposed to be. 
and if it was, why am i just now thinking about it?
i can’t deal with another change. 
my mom won’t like this. 
i can’t not be a girl. this doesn’t make sense. 

bargaining. 
please. i can handle anything else. 
just not this. i hate coming out to people. 
what if my friends don’t understand? let alone my parents. 
after all these years. this can’t be happening. please god why. 

depression. 
i can’t live like this. i don’t want to keep this a secret.
and yet, i cry at night, thinking about what mom would say. 
what everyone would say. how could i do this to everyone.
let alone myself. what is so wrong with being a girl…what if this is a lie
what if i am merely tricking myself into this, to give myself another special thing

acceptance. 
this is who i am. i am  non-binary and i am loved. 
by myself. by my friends. by my dad. 
the people who know are the people who really care.
this is who i am, and i am perfect just the way i am, no matter what anyone says.