sometimes i wonder when you
started the process of devaluing me
it was subtle, starting with little things
"you don't touch me enough"
so i start to touch you more,
show you more that i care
then it evolved into
"you're not goth enough,
not funny enough,
you don't do enough for me,
you don't go out enough"
more and more it continued
"you don't tease me enough"
and i realized that this was
never a relationship
i was something safe,
that would give you attention,
love, and a place away from your
sisters to stay.
in the beginning you were so charming,
considerate, taking time to learn about me
as i did the same
going on trips and being told
that i was the first person that you said you loved
in three years
but then i remember little conversations
you told your ex best friend before you met me
that you love them.
i wonder now, if anything you said
was real
or was it all a ploy to get something you wanted
easy access to a supply of love and *** and attention.
i remember feeling like i
was going crazy because you would
tell me things didn't happen that way
or tell me i said something when i knew
i didn't. i thought it was my fault
that i was somehow gaslighting you
and didn't realize it.
but now i see the truth of the matter,
and why you didn't want to work on the relationship.
i was given an ultimatum of having to get
therapy or you will leave, but when i asked if you would ever go back
you said you didn't need it.
after four years of trying so hard
to be there for you, to help you
thinking that you would do the same for me
i know now that you didn't have a connection with me.
already you're with someone new,
just a few months after leaving me.
i saw you without your mask for the first time
clearly i could see you for who you are
scared, insecure, pushing people away before
they realize what you're doing.
i still have so much compassion for you despite it all.
after everything i love you unconditionally,
and i believe it is what you have wanted from me all along.
to be wanted in the background, so that when you
grow bored of new people
you can come back to me as if nothing happened.
i only wish the best for you,
to live a life with ease and to be happy
but i feel like you will continue this pattern
with so many after me
just like you did before me.