I spent the morning staring at the clock.

Every second that ticked passed
was one breath closer to pulling the plug on her.

When the time finally came
I could feel a dark breeze blow through me
and I knew she was gone
and that was it.

I told my best friend I needed a drink.

So we got a drink
and as I'm sitting at the bar
I try to tell him how I'm feeling
but he stares me in the eyes and says
"Don't think about it".

He walked off and that was it.

Hours and drinks pass and I'm in another bar
with a familiar face pressed against my chest
with my arms wrapped tight around her.

She's warm and beautiful and affectionate
and everything I need right now
so when her phone screen flashes
and her boyfriend tells her goodnight with an "I love you"
I think nothing.
I feel nothing.
No regret.
No sin.
No anguish.
In this moment she is everything to me
and I couldn't care less what she means to anyone else.
She's mine, if only for a moment.
Even if it's a moment that means nothing to her.

Days have passed and my mind is swarming with thoughts
of death
and my own cowardice in dealing with it.
My body aches.
I've been laying on this couch for three straight days
and all I want is for someone to hear me
so that I can force out these pervasive demons
that have made their home between my ears.
No one is there.
They've told me hundreds of times they love me
and I matter
and they're there for me
but when I reach out, not a single human creature is there.
Some apologize and make excuses
but most don't even acknowledge what worthless hypocrites they all are.
So quick to beg me for anything their fragile,
tepid excuses for hearts can desire.
So quick to depend on me but never around
to even hear me let out a sigh.

This is death.
This is loss.
This is another morning spent coughing up blood.
This is another day spent burying myself in work.
This is another night spent alone leading into
another day of blood, sweat, and solitude.

Never again will I mourn the loss of a loved one.
They all left me long ago.