i am spiteful. and angry. and bitter. *******! **** god! **** your mom. you ruin hope without remorse. throw the litter to the gutter and set fire to my dreams. i am in a state of drunken rage and you are laughing. laughing at my ridiculous behavior. not mournful, not empathetic, but cold and merciless. your indifference cuts me like a porcelain shard, a dagger without form, you cut away my pillars and now i am falling to the ground, waiting for the day when i finally hit that blissful rocky bottom so maybe i can have some peace at last. you son of a daughter, you daughter of a coward, you messed up piece of this of this messed up world that tricked me into believing that there was good in this godforsaken, *****, horrible, liar infested, beautifully disgusting place where i waist my time thinking about you and knowing there's no thoughts being returned.

why? why? WHY?

i'm sick of my dreams. i'm sick of your presence. i'm sick of this earth. and my flesh and my tears and your face in my mind and my memories of the happy times. cutters, the truck, my bed, gasworks, the whole ******* city.

what did you do with the letter i gave back? did you throw away? why would you share my music with strangers? you think it was funny? did you laugh at my ridiculousness, i bet myself our friendship you won't even say happy birthday. whatever.

i'm drunk. your probably drunk. the whole ******* world is drunk. drunk on the pain of loss. and fear of being nothing. and ironically enough, the truth is we are all gods. and most of the time, we're gods of destruction and chaos and pain and sorrow.

have fun with that bigger future. i hope it implodes on you like mine did.

i'm messed up too. more than i ever let you know. i lost my first love and my best friend, my brother, abandoned me through a ******* email while was on vacation the first time around also. your timing was like something only a god of sorrow would design. beatings, mental abuse, oh what a lovely world we live in.

quick and painless right? just like a band-aid. good job. you're a ******* ninja. no one saw it coming, especially not me.

i'm starting to not be able to see straight so i'm gonna quit writing in this useless blog that no one reads or cares about and go back to my tv because it slowly kills through mind numbing boredom and that suits me just fine.

good night, i love... the rain.