if I am honest with myself,
I feel incredibly lonely,
and it is all my fault,
I have a tendency to push others away,
because I feel as if,
I do not deserve love,
I do not deserve to be wanted

if I am honest with myself,
I hate the person I have become,
I hate everything I am,
I hate everything that I have done,
I hate the past, the present, the future…
and that is a feeling,
I would not wish on anyone

if I am honest with myself,
I look in the mirror and see hatred,
I wish I was born somebody else,
I want a new body, a new personality,
I would like to step into a different person,
to mould myself anew

if I am honest with myself,
I know there are people who will hate,
the person that I have become,
but it does not matter that they do,
when the person who hates me most is myself,
it is a horrendous emotion,
to feel as though you should be kept out of sight, you should instead stay hidden,
resting on a shelf, collecting dust

and if I am honest with myself,
I do not know where it went wrong,
maybe I have been like this forever,
maybe I was just born incorrectly,
backwards, upside down,
every way but the right way,
it is no wonder that if I feel this way,
that so many times, too many times,
I have thought of myself as better off dead,
as if I am honest with myself,
it is not often as though I even feel I have ever been alive