i freeze over
when i attempt to visualize giving myself
even an ounce of compassion
i would have to consider myself worthy
worthy of kindness
worthy of love
worthy of a home
worthy of life
i do not remember when i last felt i deserved compassion
it may have been when i was young
my foolish heart believed in the body for which it beat
until it broke
and broke
and broke
i am told i wear wisdom well
as if wisdom is a new coat that i tried on
instead of ancient scars under the fresh fabric
i did not choose
this
i plead with my reflection
even though we are both holding a knife
please
let me live
let me rest
but the villain lunges, slashing wildly, drawing blood
a hit
a palpable hit