i miss you
even though you're
sitting right next to me.

we both know
it wasn't because
you were cold..

we were born
from the stars
and you from
the sun..
warm. essential. familiar. missed.

i understand now
why the sun
has to go away
during the coldest,
most bitter months..

to teach us how to live
without it while it's away..
and to teach us
not to take it for granted
while it's wrapped in our
loving embrace..

so why would you want to
sit next to the fire?..

i was your alibi,
you slept after 9:30.
you knew i wouldn't say.

and it wasn't him.
it wasn't her.
it wasn't you.
it wasn't anything said.

i could say whatever
i want to cover up
what lay beneath..

sleepy.
exhausted.
backache.
feverish.
food coma.

the list goes on...
all of which would be the truth but...

i'd look away
when you noticed me
staring..

knowing that you
are always the only one
in any room
who sees what lays beneath..

i couldn't let you see..
so i'd look away
as soon as i could
hoping to catch it before you
saw..
i couldn't let you see..
i couldn't let you see . . .

you do so well at hiding it
for others..
but you will never get past me..
they never lie..
they betray you..
they give you away..
every. last. detail. . .

i saw your hurt.
i saw your pain.
i saw everything you
never said
and everything you did..

so close to me
and i couldn't
embrace you. . .
i couldn't give in. . .
i couldn't protect you . . .
and would even you want me to? . . .

we both know.
we just do.
unexplained.
and only between two.

i heard your voice
for the first time in 3 months.

i did my best to memorize
what you look like...

you didn't have to touch me..
you didn't have to touch me. . .
i would have held on longer.
i would have held you tighter.
i would have wrapped both arms around your neck
the way i would with a lover
but instead gave you my one-under-one-over "friend" hug.
i would have squeezed the soft fabric of your hood with one hand
and gently tugged your hair with the other.
i would have pulled you closer.
i would have. . .

never sure of what you want..
never sure of who i am to you now..
never sure of what we are..
never sure of what we will become.
it's all your choice
as unfair as that is..

i can't make you love me
the way i love you.
no amount of scars or tears
will make you see
what i feel..                            

i'm sorry
you asked me things..
i minimized my word count..
figuring you didn't really want
to speak with me..
but felt like you should just because
i was there..
i'm sorry,
i left our interaction
at a minimum..
sure you'd want it there.

if you know me,
you know what
was happening...

i sit there quiet,
but my mind is
loudest.

i sit there smiling and nodding
but my heart
is no longer in one piece.

i sit there feeling
out of control
but i control myself...
you will be collected
i told myself..
you will be yourself. . .

i felt out of place..
yet still myself..
i was true to myself,
i knew i couldn't fake it.

i sit there steady & silently
but i'm noticing
everything. . .

if i had one feeling left,
i'd give it to you..

you're on your last string,
who would you give it to? . . .

you never once complained
about the heat..

you felt the fever
with me..