It's the way your name slips further and further down in my phone
The way my heart still craves giving until there's nothing left
I miss giving you my love and watching you grow into it
But I don't miss how I never received what I wanted in return
The food is going cold and
I just can't eat when I'm so full of unexpressed love
I want you to take it all and run off with it
I want to see you happy and loved
But I also want to look in the mirror and feel fulfilled
I want to see a woman worthy of the world
And all I see are the other girls that make your eyes sparkle
I see their faces and their bodies so clearly that I can barely make out mine
Soon my reflection will come back to me
And one day I'll meet someone who won't even blink because they won't want to miss a second of me
I'll be the only beauty they want to see in the world
I'll make gardens and oceans jealous
The wind will blow through my hair and steal your touch
And I won't even recognize the girl I see now
A blurry figure through the tears in my eyes, mutilated by the self-hate you bred into me
My dysmorphia tells me I'm not enough and that's why I could never have a happy story with you
I was the Cinderella who was never invited to the Ball
I watched through tinted glass how everyone would embrace and dance and fall in love with life
While I played housekeeper and tried to mop up the pieces that made me
I put on a brave face and called myself a princess but you wouldn't even let me have my imaginary world, my feigned confidence
It was just deemed selfish of me to try shut the negativity out and pretend the world revolved around me
I just wanted to prove that I was worthy of love
And I never got love that was untainted
Because I screamed my pleas into the wrong phone
I wrote my story in the wrong book
You were never ready for me because you never took ownership of what I deserved
I wanted you to be my home
But I was always left knocking for so long
I still have your grocery list on my fridge
And my desperate heart wants to rearrange those letters into sweet, loving words
Words that could stain my mind and be stamped over the images of other girls
But I can't hear them in your voice
And I can't even pluck them from your thoughts
Because your mind is always elsewhere and it's hiding so much
We played a lonely game of hide and seek
I searched for your soul and never found you
And so we both welcomed darkness
I have to find a new source of light
Because your fire kept me warm until it burned me
The sparks were always there so I got burned again and again
I will never again let blisters and ******* belittle my beauty