in middle school i had a father
a great, loving father
and by high school i didn’t

at thirteen i thought i was an emotionless person
a cold, calm, and happy person
and by nineteen i’d realized i was anything but

at thirteen i liked a boy and I wrote that in permanent marker on a desk and would never say anything
i covered it with tape, but it is still there
and at twenty-two he moved back... it didn’t work out

in elementary i said i loved a boy and never got a reply
it didn’t stop me from saying those things to more boys, and eventually girls and people who don't identify as either

and now i hold on to the hope maybe each heartbreak will be different from before

one thing i know won’t be the same is at twelve i had a dad
and now i don’t

i scrutinize the issues i have since losing a father
if a boy might hurt me he tried to make sure they didn’t
now i put myself out there and get hurt
i look for him in every person i romanticize
i compare each person to a father who exceeded all expectations then started to died right in front of me