Dec 2021
dear j,
today was okay. a positive "okay".
i make the most out of what i have
and i feel content & grateful.
i'm not the one you should feel worried about, i suppose.
i woke up to the sound of my mom blasting the spanish version of "Happy Birthday" called Las Mananitas...with some birthday gifts...the tradition...it warmed me.
she made me some of her signature french toast (with strawberry cream cheese in between two slices) for breakfast since we couldn't go out.
i went out today by myself to pick up some ingredients and baked my own birthday cake since homemade is always better than store-bought anything...
i saw you unexpectedly later on..
i feel bad that i bumped into you..
you don't want me to apologize but i do...
i got to see other people in my life that i love.
i felt loved and thought of...
warm & fuzzy & familiar.
"you only turn 21 once" . . .
a first...
i danced to a favorite country song
that i chose on the jukebox
as my sister watched me, cringing as hard as ever...
not a care in the world who was watching...
i felt myself...happy...
Luke Bryan.
I tried to feel you there with me..
twirling me around...
we were smiling...
maybe that's too much.
a first...
i stood on the chair as a sea of strangers
watched me as everyone shouted
"yeeeeeehaaawww"
for turning a year older.
a first...
a cheers with a glass full
of something different
from my usual water & ice.
wanting you
next to me
for all of my firsts.
and lasts.
and only's.
and everything-in-between's.
my thoughts return..
was i pushing it for everyone?
wanting everyone to just have a nice time
when things weren't really okay?
some unrelated & unfortunate events took place before.
and all i ever wanted was for everyone to be happy...
i have learned that things come up and things don't always go as we want them to or as planned...
i feel bad that my mother wanted so much more for me and wanted so much better...
she works so hard and only wants to give us the world, along with the one she never got to have.
but i assured her that i would be still be happy with nothing..
that it wasn't about me...to me.
which is maybe backwards.
"too" selfless if that's even possible.
i am working on not giving myself a hard time
for allowing my emotions to get the best of me
when i wanted to handle things better,
wishing things were different.
everyone has things weighing on their shoulders.
i just want you to feel like you don't have to carry yours alone.
or some of it at all...
and it poses a question for me..
how does someone 'mind their own business' when the one they truly s e e is struggling to keep their head above water? . . .
i long for the answer.
i've tried really hard to look for it.
to find it.
trial & error..
yet nothing seems to feel right.
but maybe the right thing is supposed to feel unsettling...
leaving you be...
how does one do such a thing
with such strenght?...
just say when.
sincerely,
d
today was okay. a positive "okay".
i make the most out of what i have
and i feel content & grateful.
i'm not the one you should feel worried about, i suppose.
i woke up to the sound of my mom blasting the spanish version of "Happy Birthday" called Las Mananitas...with some birthday gifts...the tradition...it warmed me.
she made me some of her signature french toast (with strawberry cream cheese in between two slices) for breakfast since we couldn't go out.
i went out today by myself to pick up some ingredients and baked my own birthday cake since homemade is always better than store-bought anything...
i saw you unexpectedly later on..
i feel bad that i bumped into you..
you don't want me to apologize but i do...
i got to see other people in my life that i love.
i felt loved and thought of...
warm & fuzzy & familiar.
"you only turn 21 once" . . .
a first...
i danced to a favorite country song
that i chose on the jukebox
as my sister watched me, cringing as hard as ever...
not a care in the world who was watching...
i felt myself...happy...
Luke Bryan.
I tried to feel you there with me..
twirling me around...
we were smiling...
maybe that's too much.
a first...
i stood on the chair as a sea of strangers
watched me as everyone shouted
"yeeeeeehaaawww"
for turning a year older.
a first...
a cheers with a glass full
of something different
from my usual water & ice.
wanting you
next to me
for all of my firsts.
and lasts.
and only's.
and everything-in-between's.
my thoughts return..
was i pushing it for everyone?
wanting everyone to just have a nice time
when things weren't really okay?
some unrelated & unfortunate events took place before.
and all i ever wanted was for everyone to be happy...
i have learned that things come up and things don't always go as we want them to or as planned...
i feel bad that my mother wanted so much more for me and wanted so much better...
she works so hard and only wants to give us the world, along with the one she never got to have.
but i assured her that i would be still be happy with nothing..
that it wasn't about me...to me.
which is maybe backwards.
"too" selfless if that's even possible.
i am working on not giving myself a hard time
for allowing my emotions to get the best of me
when i wanted to handle things better,
wishing things were different.
everyone has things weighing on their shoulders.
i just want you to feel like you don't have to carry yours alone.
or some of it at all...
and it poses a question for me..
how does someone 'mind their own business' when the one they truly s e e is struggling to keep their head above water? . . .
i long for the answer.
i've tried really hard to look for it.
to find it.
trial & error..
yet nothing seems to feel right.
but maybe the right thing is supposed to feel unsettling...
leaving you be...
how does one do such a thing
with such strenght?...
just say when.
sincerely,
d
(F/mi)
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