TW: Suicide *if you or someone you know is considering suicide, please call the National Suicide Hotline: 800-273-8255
My father walked in Thinking his son was still in love with his life But the letter the letter the letter The pills the pills the pills Scattered Like the candy left from the Christmas parade Da, how do I tell you It was never because I didn’t love you I do, I do, I do. How do I tell you Home is an echo, a smoke filled hazelwood Where I cannot put out the flames. How do I tell you The day we went Christmas shopping in the city I cried in front of the window display Because the cotton snow looked so cold And it reminded me Of when I was 6, and you set me on your shoulders And we went out into the copse To cut juniper boughs for the table And came in smelling of wet snow and sweat and the soft, sweet pepper of juniper berries, hands sticky with sap And Mum smiled, And I cried because I knew That was the last time I could remember I was happy And even it was fading fast, Flames curled around the charred edges of Mum’s lips, Her teeth smoldered And then she was gone into the swelling black smoke, Curling burnt ribbons are all I have left.
How do I tell you My fingers have razed the grey matter, amygdala, thalamus, cerebellum Until they hung in charred threads I dug a labyrinth of fire breaks in my brain And still the Minotaurian roar of flames Is eternal. At night I cannot sleep, they are So loud So loud So loud. If you ever wondered Why I am still awake at 3am Watching late night TV in all its ****-filled glory It is the closest I can come to numb, And the fake family’s chatter Is so easy They say nothing, talk of nothing And that is what I need More than anything To be nothing.
How do I tell you It is not your fault It is just that I am so tired, So tired So tired. And the flames have burned my hands to stubs my lungs are charred branches That cannot expand without an exhale of ash And I am so tired. I have tried to climb out from under the weight And I am dragged back in Every time.
Da, how do I tell you it is alright, I have put it out I have put it out It is out. Forgive Me.