Nov 2021
dear j,
i'm trying not to allow my emotions get the best of me.
i won't lie and tell you that that isn't hard,
because it is.
that's all i've ever been.
a little ball of intense emotions, longing to unravel, simultaneously scared to let you see because i fear you'd abandon me after being vulnerable.
i've learned that fear, is a liar.
it drives us to hesitate...procrastinate...prolong inaction.
so i also learned something about myself.
my fears exist because things are so important to me, i don't want to lose them.
and you are one of those things.
last night,
i stood in front of the mirror hanging on my bedroom wall
as an intrusive revelation danced through my head...
i've always hated myself for feeling so connected to others that i feel an unhealthy attachment.
and if i'm honest, that has never been "poison" for another...
it has only ever been "poison" to myself.
some people's chemicals combine awfully with ours and a toxic chemical reaction occurs damaging our outlook on the world, love, and ourselves...
while some people's chemicals combine smoothly, beautifully, naturally, and organically enhancing our outlook on love, challenging our perspective on the world, and supporting our mindset of ourselves.
call me mad...but i realize that i am not co-dependent either.
i have never felt like i needed anyone in order to feel complete..
at least not anymore..
"be with someone you WANT to be with,"
my mother says to me...
"not someone you NEED..."
i've never wanted someone
before i saw you..
i know who i am.
i feel complete on my own.
i love feeling independent.
i feel comfortable being by myself (not that i always love it...that would be lonely & selfish of me).
i'm aware i am equipped with everything i need within (though you are my compliment).
i can emphasize & embrace myself.
i can be deep, true, & authentic.
i am confident in what i'm crafted to do in this life...
this one life...
i love who i am.
i feel beautiful & happy in my own skin that i don't depend on other's words to view myself as worthy or valuable.
i used to hate my sensitivity in this wicked world but now i realize that it is a gift...
it is a rarity
and i will never allow anyone to convince me otherwise.
i wouldn't rather be anything or anyone else.
i want you in my life.
and that's my problem now.
you no longer want me in yours.
i called you..
you picked up on the third try..
then hung up after one second
like it was an accident.
was it?
i learned three things.
1) promises were meant to be broken.
2) perhaps i'm the only one in it for "we".
3) your love is conditional..
i'd love you no matter where we are or
what circumstances we are in...making the most of what we would have, through the thick and thin.
while you will only love me now if circumstances are...perfect.
my present best will not be my forever best.
i've not asked for too much..
and neither have you, love...
my one question for the evening is;
if we can have each other some day..if we met again..
would you still want me?
would you want us . . .
sincerely,
d
i'm trying not to allow my emotions get the best of me.
i won't lie and tell you that that isn't hard,
because it is.
that's all i've ever been.
a little ball of intense emotions, longing to unravel, simultaneously scared to let you see because i fear you'd abandon me after being vulnerable.
i've learned that fear, is a liar.
it drives us to hesitate...procrastinate...prolong inaction.
so i also learned something about myself.
my fears exist because things are so important to me, i don't want to lose them.
and you are one of those things.
last night,
i stood in front of the mirror hanging on my bedroom wall
as an intrusive revelation danced through my head...
i've always hated myself for feeling so connected to others that i feel an unhealthy attachment.
and if i'm honest, that has never been "poison" for another...
it has only ever been "poison" to myself.
some people's chemicals combine awfully with ours and a toxic chemical reaction occurs damaging our outlook on the world, love, and ourselves...
while some people's chemicals combine smoothly, beautifully, naturally, and organically enhancing our outlook on love, challenging our perspective on the world, and supporting our mindset of ourselves.
call me mad...but i realize that i am not co-dependent either.
i have never felt like i needed anyone in order to feel complete..
at least not anymore..
"be with someone you WANT to be with,"
my mother says to me...
"not someone you NEED..."
i've never wanted someone
before i saw you..
i know who i am.
i feel complete on my own.
i love feeling independent.
i feel comfortable being by myself (not that i always love it...that would be lonely & selfish of me).
i'm aware i am equipped with everything i need within (though you are my compliment).
i can emphasize & embrace myself.
i can be deep, true, & authentic.
i am confident in what i'm crafted to do in this life...
this one life...
i love who i am.
i feel beautiful & happy in my own skin that i don't depend on other's words to view myself as worthy or valuable.
i used to hate my sensitivity in this wicked world but now i realize that it is a gift...
it is a rarity
and i will never allow anyone to convince me otherwise.
i wouldn't rather be anything or anyone else.
i want you in my life.
and that's my problem now.
you no longer want me in yours.
i called you..
you picked up on the third try..
then hung up after one second
like it was an accident.
was it?
i learned three things.
1) promises were meant to be broken.
2) perhaps i'm the only one in it for "we".
3) your love is conditional..
i'd love you no matter where we are or
what circumstances we are in...making the most of what we would have, through the thick and thin.
while you will only love me now if circumstances are...perfect.
my present best will not be my forever best.
i've not asked for too much..
and neither have you, love...
my one question for the evening is;
if we can have each other some day..if we met again..
would you still want me?
would you want us . . .
sincerely,
d
