sometimes I wonder about you--

when it's late and I can't hide from the moon.

it's a one-sided text conversation,
our fear of death prematurely evaded.
song after song,
note after note,
I fell in love with self-deprecating jokes.
you were ahead of the curve,
every pattern and trend--
I've felt lost ever since film became cool again.

No discernible personality traits to adopt,
I floundered alone, I stood just to drop.

I missed drinking you in,
being your muse and your friend.
I kept your secrets and held all mine in.

Envious of your whiteness and perfect-familiness
you'd say differently, but I saw what it is.

privilege and love,
friendship I craved--
at the cost of some trauma
I'll take to my grave.

But still you had more
than I ever might,
and for that I'd trade
all our long sleepless nights.

I'd rip away all my studying of your world--
to become lost in my own,
so I didn't have to be that girl

that had to be pretty
to be a muse,
so you'd stick around,
and I'd always lose.

you make me sick
when I think of your hands
the way they could hold me
and steal all my air--

and I'd let you,
just as easily,
you'd feel the crunch of my bones--
annoyed that they poked you
and satisfied with my moans

writhing in pain,
swearing I'm not,
begging you to photograph me
covered in rot.

green from the nausea,
golden jealousy--
I kept running so that you'd chase after me.

Supporting your escapades,
girlish advice-- "no this is what you should get her! it will be nice!"

planning your dates,
practiced your lines,
I had stars in my eyes,
yours were red from the high.

I admonished your ****** roommates,
first-world and nuanced
too-much-too-late--

sealed and delivered,
I wish this could go back in time
to your doorstep where I
hung out all the time

sitting with the paper,
copying a pose from your lover--

I stalked her instagram and ran for cover.
She stared and mocked me-- "He's mine forever"
Her perfect pout practiced, while I sat and pouted about
you merely glanced.

Measuring down and counting how much lower my score was--
I knew how it would go but still I bet on my odds.
because the idea of being with you made me feel drunk--
I never knew when to quit
pushing my luck.

and on your lifeless body,
CPR with ghostly arms,
killing myself slowly
while you pursued new hobbies.

transported to another dimension
where you can't hear my cries--
nothing plays but your music,
as I struggle against our severed ties.

you left marks,
which you liked--
I knew as much about your kinks as your quirks,
Crude and contrite,
Pinked and perked.

I remember how you'd sing for me, twirl me around,
the neon lights in your kitchen,
the air mattress we found
and wore in nicely,
spent nights on cement clouds
whispered inside jokes and screamed obscenities
at unsuspecting crowds.

your shyness, my courageousness,
your smile and my smirk,
your compartments for my mess,
You promised your best and gave me the worst.

Shorted and barren,
walk-of-shame, scarred larynx--
no one would know of the desert we walked
the girls you ran through and
the way that we fought

kisses on white sheets,
made up in my mind,
your skinny body under the suds,
marked up flaws that I'd find--
I was sure to sit carefully,
wipe them away,
run the tap for the bubbles,
you'd soak and I'd bathe

until you were ready,
pruned and eyes-heavy,
I'd help you step out,
you'd fall into my body--
I'd guide you to the floor
where we'd sit for hours.
you'd hug me and drain me,
your special power.

I'd guide us to bed and you'd lay on my chest,
smiling up at me,
you'd earned a rest.

just one of many
memories
I stole from your place
and put them in a cardboard box--
gone, without a trace.