Welcome to 5:15am
And I'm so calm
And so prepared
Having changed into pajamas
Out of pajamas
And into a sweater
That I wear too often
Made for men;
Or made for me.

And despite the summer
Despite the desert
Outside is a cold black
Misleading
Considering the thermometer
Reading a cozy 80

Because here, the night coddles you
Like a blanket
And wraps you in something
Anything it can find
And during this hot rainy season
Something sticks to your clothes
To the cuticles of your hair
And you smell like whatever the day
Brought to you.

Welcome to 5:21am
And you haven't been outside yet
But you've changed into pajamas
That don't terribly embarrass you.
And when you finally go outside,,
You'll be getting out of a car
And walking into a hospital
Maybe legs shaking
(I don't know,
You haven't been there yet.)
And you try to calmly wait
While people you don't know
Stick you with things
One of which will knock you out
And you wake up with
Cuts in your body
From taking out the sickness
That's real this time
And tangible
And actually comes from your gut
And actually makes you
Look yourself in the eye
And *****.

It's 5:26am
And the pain is starting again
And the ambivalence of today
Hangs on my hair
And my clothes
Until they put me under
And I really have no option.