It's been a while since I vented about my life. So here it goes. I have been severely depressed for years, and go through daily anxiety attacks that leave me sobbing and alone in my apartment. I can't think of anything that could make me happy right now and that is very scary. I ty to reach out to people but its so freaking hard to get the amount of support I need and it's exhausting. I try so hard to make myself better and I don't feel like I have any control over myself because of my emotions and how they are so severe and make me panic and cry my eyes out hoping it will somehow stop in my brain. Ive been close to those disturbing thoughts. It started with me realizing my bank account is close to 0, and I somehow thought having take out was okay almost every other day. I miss being able to talk to people in person but even then I had so much anxiety, too much that I couldn't even bare it. I was utterly destroyed that I couldn't enjoy all my time with my best friend. My life has gone so down hill since Ive been associating with people that hurt me, and I end up alone and finding myself in agonizing chronic pain and nothing could stop it. I miss my animal, I am so ******* sad he passed. I miss being able to hold him, and it comforted me. That also makes me feel awful because that sounds so selfish, but at the same time my animal loved me too and I miss his healing energy. I feel absolutely insane writing this, and I wish I knew what has gotten into me. It begins to worry me. My memory issues. Everything worries me. My chronic pain. My dental issues. Everything is stuck in my mind and I cant just get it out of my head. I hate it and it doesn't allow me to appreciate my life, and that makes me feel ungrateful. I do have my own space, I am away from negativity and I am working on myself but I can't help but cry and feel destroyed over my illnesses ruling my life, ruling my brain, ruling everything I do.