I don’t know how much longer I can do this
21 ******* years of hating myself and always hating who I am
I thought maybe I wouldn’t hate who I become but here I am now and I still hate me
I always make the most stupid decisions and even when everything is handed to me on a silver ******* platter I still manage to find a way to mess it up

Even when I see that glimmer of hope and happiness appearing at the end of the tunnel
I can feel my demon in the darkness grabbing my hand and asking, “what about me?”
How many years has he been with me now
Would I find comfort in the light? I don’t know what the light is really like
I get small touches and glimpses of light sometimes, and they do feel nice
Sometimes I feel that longing of hope and wonder grasp my soul and I want to feel it whole
But the light never lasts
He always comes back
But he’s been here the whole time
Here in the dark with me
Like ******* venom to eddie brock
He knows I am weak
He knows I feel safe when I let him take over, even though I know it’s still him in control
He crawls around and surrounds me and reminds me that I don’t even know who I am without him
He’s been with me longer than I’ve been without him
He knows everything about me
He knows that nothing is ever as perfect as it seems and it all crumbles eventually
He knows I don’t know what it’s like out there in the real world without him
He knows that I probably wouldn’t handle it and I would **** it up
I already did **** it up
He knows that
He knows me

They put me on all these medications to try and get better
They put me in therapy to try to cope healthier
They try to get rid of him
I act like I want him gone
I don’t know what it’s like without him and even sometimes when I feel like he lets me go, it’s just to show me that it can be okay for a while but even the warmest and brightest days eventually turn to night and everything I thought was in my control was just temporary and it all leaves and turns to dust in my fingers and I lose my grasp of what’s real and everything turns numb and turns to black and I close my eyes so tight I see swirls of galaxies and when I open them, there he is
He’s waiting for me because he knows
He knows I couldn’t handle it
He knows I belong to him

I realize all this now
I know what I have to do
I take his hand
I turn away from the light and follow him back down the dark tunnel
“I knew you couldn’t leave me”